I absolutely hate leaving depressing posts up at the top of the page. Unfortunately this does not generally provide incentive to make new posts – instead I tend to avoid the page entirely. Not the most effective solution eh? Anyways I suppose I just want to reassure anyone who stumbles across this page that life is going well, happy and healthy (the last one is new!)

Perhaps (hopefully?) ending on this positive note will lead me to begin making regular posts once again – or perhaps it won’t. For someone so concerned with keeping a reasonable record of his own life I do a god awful job of it don’t I? Speak to you again some time,

Dave

In answer. I torture myself because sometimes life hurts... and gets lonely. I hesitate to post this but it was written last friday night in notepad, because at the time I just needed an... out. I'm a rational human being, more rational than most I've met, and I deal with my own problems. Don't you go worrying about me.

09/10/04
Humans need interaction, fun, distractions because without them life isn't worth living. It's the sad truth... if death were easier the human race would be long gone at this point. Right now life certainly isn't worth living for me. That doesn't mean i'll stop living it though just occasionally I want to. There are of course consolations - nothing is black or white. there is beauty in the world and there are good days along with the bad. Lonelyness is hell. Hell on earth. I need someone to love and love me back. It seems I'm long for this world anyways... I understand it, better than most. But an instant still feels like just that. The absolute instant. I'm not the man I was yesterday, or will be tomorow. right now unfortunatly death would be better. *sigh*. Better times may come. those past are gone.
I'm alive. I think. I understand. I create. I'm no fool, and I'm not crazy. this isn't a death wish. this is simply calculated reality. get over yourselves...
Me. Dave


Times did get better. That very night in fact... not with love but with friends. And you know what? The next night and morning were better. Much better. So while I don't always know where I stand, at least I know that this is one of those better times. And this instant is worth living. I feel like smiling.
:)

Truely,
Me

[warning - self indulgent rambling]
*sigh*. I don't think you can really write to these things without problems in your life. Now I've had my share of problems in the past, but I seem to have put them behind me. And now on the odd occasion I have something to say I realize that I don't feel like spreading my problem for the whole world to see. I think only those involved in a problem directly or those who offer the support should be made aware of it in the first place. However I'm in an odd mood and I think I'll just ramble for a while. Today in sociology class we looked at bullying and what it leads to (depression, even suicide). It is almost sickening how little most of the other outspoken students knew about the problem, how it felt and how it could affect the people involved. I suppose I was fairly outspoken about the crushing depression, the endless days that turn to grey and run together as life drops to a point it seems it can never recover from. I knew the motivations behind teen suicide, I knew the feelings of helplessness. Well it seems I'd been a little too outspoken, lol... the teacher pulled me aside afterwards and inquired about my life, was actually quite worried. Well no worries, I'm not suicidal or extremely depressed. I may have spent a good few years of my life in that bleak landscape, escape seeming impossible... depression is something we all expeariance once in a while but it is a strong emotion. Its when that fades into the grey I've been mentioning, trying to impress upon you. Thats what causes the suicides, the murders, the dysfunctional individuals. Even now I find myself occasionally suprised at how far I've managed to pull myself out of that hell, rebuild my life. I know I'm far from perfect but I'm working on it (a cliche if I've ever heard one), and I'd like to thank those who are reading this page... the friends that made it possible.
Well that does feel better, writing things where no one can possibly read them might be safer but not nearly as satisfying, even if guys are supposed to keep all that shit crammed up inside...
The Egocentric Dave