Since this is my journal I suppose I have some stuff to write in it - just so you know anyone else who stumbles on here, I'm writing this stuff for myself these days. I'm probably the only one with the frame of reference to find any of this profound, or really care about it at all. Feel free to read it, but if you don't want to, well then, don't.

Let's see...

Written after a long debate with two friends ranging from quantum teleportation and ethics to philosophy and personal universal truths (or bent truth). The people around here are great...

I don't spend much time thinking on the structure of the universe or life anymore... I really finished that when I was 15. These days it's fun, but generally a waste of time. I'm content with what I know. I don't know everything. In the grand scheme of thing I know practically nothing. I know enough.

The other night a friend of mine called her long distance love and talked to him for an hour. Afterwards she was bouncing off the walls with happiness and just generally insanely giddy. I was beyond happy for her; I've never seen anything quite like someone in love... At the same time I felt a vague sadness, for I miss love. Anyways I got dragged out to an A Cappella mini-concert in an archway and the songs were amazing. As I listened, especially to a few of them, I looked up at the night sky, with light clouds passing across it. I was sad but I began to smile; and as the concert ended instead of going back inside with my friends (who thought me crazy at this point) I lay out on the lawn watching clouds pass over the moon and smiled at the beauty of the world. There isn't anything quite like a sky, and I doubt there's anything that grounds me more. I walked around for the next day or two, tranquil and content... and you know what? I just couldn't stop smiling.
I'll get the real quote later, but it was short so here goes from memory:

I miss love. Look at the sky, life is beautiful. I can't stop smiling.

In answer. I torture myself because sometimes life hurts... and gets lonely. I hesitate to post this but it was written last friday night in notepad, because at the time I just needed an... out. I'm a rational human being, more rational than most I've met, and I deal with my own problems. Don't you go worrying about me.

09/10/04
Humans need interaction, fun, distractions because without them life isn't worth living. It's the sad truth... if death were easier the human race would be long gone at this point. Right now life certainly isn't worth living for me. That doesn't mean i'll stop living it though just occasionally I want to. There are of course consolations - nothing is black or white. there is beauty in the world and there are good days along with the bad. Lonelyness is hell. Hell on earth. I need someone to love and love me back. It seems I'm long for this world anyways... I understand it, better than most. But an instant still feels like just that. The absolute instant. I'm not the man I was yesterday, or will be tomorow. right now unfortunatly death would be better. *sigh*. Better times may come. those past are gone.
I'm alive. I think. I understand. I create. I'm no fool, and I'm not crazy. this isn't a death wish. this is simply calculated reality. get over yourselves...
Me. Dave


Times did get better. That very night in fact... not with love but with friends. And you know what? The next night and morning were better. Much better. So while I don't always know where I stand, at least I know that this is one of those better times. And this instant is worth living. I feel like smiling.
:)

Truely,
Me